Fair warning, this is going to be heavy stuff.
A more serious talk than usual, after the break.
See, I've been a bit shaky since I got back from Equestria LA, particularly in the emotional sense, and I wanted to write this from a place of a bit more stability.
But right now?
Right now I'm a complete bucking wreck from depression, and as much as I don't feel like doing much of anything, much less summing up a very emotional powerful hour and a half or so for me, some part of me is saying the time is now, and last time I listened to that voice, I met all my heroes at EQLA.
So...Probably the time.
A bit of a preface for those not in the know or just turning in: the year before the Season 5 premiere of My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic was the worst year of my life. I was having problems in my relationship with someone, and I was having a problem with alcohol. Last autumn that went completely off the rails, turning both isssues into unmitigated hells. this lead to a suicide attempt in December and almost two months later, someone tried to finish the job I hadn't with that. I fled back to my parents' home, broken and insane, and began seeking help. The problem was, though I escaped the dangerous situation I was in, I didn't stop drinking until april 13th. With MLP back in swing, somehow the show became my method of sobriety.
This came to a head when when the episode "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?" aired.
How can I describe the moment when Luna is confronted with the fact that the Tantabus is her guilt? When she is blaming herself long after others have forgiven her? I've lived that, and even now I'm in tears, trying to find and piece together the proper words to express--no, evoke the emotion that I feel when a show that has already probably saved my life leaves me feeling that they understand what I was going through, and that I'm by no means alone?
I still don't know if I've found them, but I made several decisions as the feeling settled in: I was going to EQLA, I was going to do a panel about how this show helped me and could help others, and that I was going to meet some of the people of the show and thank them. As I got the vague of ideas for the panel, confirmed all the travel details and such, M A Larson was announced, which I was even more excited about. while he didn't write "Magic Sheep," he did right almost all of my favorite episodes, like "Cute Mark Chronicles," "It's about Time," "Slice of Life" and so many others. He was also story editor for a good chunk of this season, which while he downplayed it when I said it, is one of the reasons that most of the writing on this season has been exceptionally good. As my californian quest neared, I was working 55 hours a week, and had given up on a lot of the initial ideas I had for the panel--they were good, but I didn't have time to execute them. I had started the slides themselves, but things were still coming together.
then two things happened within about 2 hours of each other: Lauren Faust was announced, and I was laid off.
I still think I'm shaking a bit from that day. I was overwhelmed. I'd lost the first real job I'd had in years, but at the same time, the person who made MLP what it is today would be there and there was no way I wouldn't have a chance to meet with her. I also became horribly nervous. what if one of my heroes was intrigued by the concept, and god forbid, came to my panel? I clammed up on writing, and while I knew what I was going to speak about, I was a ball of nerves wound to the point of snapping.
fast forward to Friday Night of EQLA, after the VIP reception, after I'd coincidentally made a few friends (and missed the chance to finally meet another) I was sitting in my hotel room, eating really expensive room service food, and staring at a blank slide. I couldn't get any work done, but I had still about 10 slides to finish. I fell asleep on my bed.
Jump cut to: me, the next morning, 2 hours before my panel, slamming it together.
jump cut again: Me, feeling nervous as hell as about 20-30 people (was it more? hard to tell, it's a blur) fill into the room. I've met my friend Duke for the first time, some of the friends I made night before are also in the audience, and I'm sitting there, with all eyes on me.
I start before I have a chance to panic, and the next thing I know, I've given my presentation, and I'm fielding questions.
Yes, I think there is a co-relation between
being an Eagle Scout in the BSA and being a fan of the show,
and it's the reason for the military bronies too, there's
an emphasis on community and helping
others in all three, and...
Well, that's the hard part,
see, like I said there's no defined standard
for what recovery is, and as I see it,
it's not like healing a broken leg....
That's really something!
I hadn't thought of that...
Well, thank you for saying that. I'm glad I could help.
First off, it's great that you're trying to help them
so don't take that for granted.
and the best you can do is show them where
to find help.
but they have to take the first step of their own accord and..
Thank you all very much for coming!
Catch me in the back there--
I want to keep chatting, but someone else
has the room next, and I want to give them
time to set....
It should have set in, maybe, when the confused woman with the shaky english actually asked me for my autograph in the conbook. (I signed with Cadejo, not my "real" name, that sly dog me) Maybe when after chatting with someone about how to approach a member of his family about alcohol, I proffered a handshake and he gave me a hug instead, it should have clicked.
I'm glad it didn't. Later that day, I was wandering around the vendor's room, idly blowing away what fortune I had left in the world, someone approached me. he had a young child with him, and she was maybe 4 or 5. he told me that he'd been at my panel, and he'd only been sober for a couple of weeks. He thanked me profusely, and then he mentioned that his daughter had been at the panel with him. Most of it went over her head, but he said that panel reminded him she was the reason he had to say sober.
Then, at some point that day, she'd said to him, "Don't feed the Tantabus, daddy."
Holy shit. That one stuck. That one stuck like an axe along the grain of an old maple, like a nail driven into concrete.
He said he was going to remember it every time he felt a craving, and I could see why. I don't think I'm ever going to forget it.
Others thanked me throughout the day, my friends (new and old) congratulated me on a job well done.
And yet?
It hadn't sunk in. maybe part of it was the fact despite a ton of stuff going horribly wrong in the process I had the best 3 days of my pathetic little life. maybe it just hadn't bounced around in my head enough to settle in. Maybe untold dark gods were bucking with my head, who the hell knows?
It sunk in about 10 days ago. (has it really only been two weeks since I was there? it feels like it was months ago.) That day was world suicide prevention day, which naturally I shouted from every possible place I could, given my attempt at the end of 2014.
I think it was in part that I was reminded of the hell I'd been in. Not only was I the victim of some awful stuff, I did a lot to others, only some of which I remember. I know for a fact I was incredibly manipulative to a few people, to the point where I stopped writing entirely. I felt like I had a silver tongue, and all I used my abilities to do was to hurt others for my own gain.
The success of my panel threw that in my (more specifically, my depression's) face. I had taken a chance, gone out, and tried to do the right thing, and I saw evidence that my actions helped others.
How can I put this feeling into words, either? I wonder if Princess Luna's had a moment where she saw all the ways she helped the CMC and others through their dreams, where she saw the good she's done, and that she's capable of making the world a better place.
Redemption. that's the word. I have redeemed myself, at least in my own eyes. I have turned my life from a living hell to something where not only do I feel in control, but I am using it to help others. The plan is to attend both Everfree NW and BronyCon in this upcoming year, and if I can, give an improved version of my panel at each of them, too.
Listen, this show---take it or leave it, if you feel that way, but this show---it's helped so many. I'm not the only one. I've said it again and again, but this show changed the world for the better. the estimated figure for charitable donations since the fandom began is 0ver a million dollars. hell, EQLA alone, the charity auction netted upwards of $9,000 for an animal wildlife shelter devoted to education and conservation. As caustic as some internet fans can be, when it comes to real life, fans of the show will go out of their way to be nice, and to help others.
I don't know how else to finish this off, but I would like to take this time to thank some people who helped me get to where I am now, as well as those who are still helping me carry on:
To Appleglenn: I can't put my finger on why, but you are like a mentor to me. I'm always glad to hear from you, and I look up to you, man. Keep being amazing.
To Duke: you can largely copy and paste the above one here, but it's always great to have someone who expands my taste in music and it was beyond awesome to meet you in person.
To Heroescomeback: I don't know how else to say it, but you are the best of nerdy bros a dweeb like me could ask for.
To Magnum: It might not seem like much, but the twitter chats and silly eqd threads mean a lot. never stop being the coolest dragonhorse there is.
To all the friends I made at EQLA, especially Mitch2 and Tailsfox88: Thank you for helping me remember that cons aren't all about buying swag and squeeing like a little fangirl everytime Larson walked by, and for teaching me to stop worrying and ship the ponies.
To any of the EQD Comment folks I might have missed: It's been endless fun getting to know you all, and there's probably a million of you I'm missing, but know that you all played a part in me recovering, and it's definitely more than you think it is.
and lastly, to you, my Constant Reader, my Vigilant Companions. To you indeed. For if I was speaking to the void, my voice would be naught but noise. To you, to us, and to many more.
To Magnum: It might not seem like much, but the twitter chats and silly eqd threads mean a lot. never stop being the coolest dragonhorse there is.
To all the friends I made at EQLA, especially Mitch2 and Tailsfox88: Thank you for helping me remember that cons aren't all about buying swag and squeeing like a little fangirl everytime Larson walked by, and for teaching me to stop worrying and ship the ponies.
To any of the EQD Comment folks I might have missed: It's been endless fun getting to know you all, and there's probably a million of you I'm missing, but know that you all played a part in me recovering, and it's definitely more than you think it is.
and lastly, to you, my Constant Reader, my Vigilant Companions. To you indeed. For if I was speaking to the void, my voice would be naught but noise. To you, to us, and to many more.
